count.erin.tuitive

2001

‘M’ and I had just started dating when I first met the beach boys. Mike was good friends with ‘J’, and ‘J’ had known ‘A’ and his brother ‘C’ since they were little; one could say that ‘A’ and ‘J’ were best friends from the beginning. After school ‘M’ and I would go down to the beach house to play video games, drink some beers, and just do absolutely nothing.

The boys down at that house were like a novelty to me. I hadn’t had any friends who smoked regularly or who drank like that. It was more of a scene out of a movie than anything. The floor was lined with thick shag carpet and the walls paneled with a dark wood. ‘A’ blew smoke rings and relaxed as if it was just another day of living directly on the sand with an amazing ocean view. I took everything in like a small kid does; eyes wide open. What I didn’t know is that it would become more surreal as time passed us all by.

Slowly those boys became part of my entourage and by the time we were all twenty-one, we would all roll into the local bars like goddamn celebrities. The bar tenders knew us and we rarely paid for half of the shots we asked for. Whether it was because ‘C’ dated half the bar tenders in that small town, and I use the word date very lightly, or because we rolled with eight people deep, I don’t remember pulling out my I.D. or wallet. Whatever I drank was taken care of.

Every weekend we would pile into ‘M’s car, pick up beer and enough cups for beer pong or flip-cup or whatever game we were playing that night. Sometimes those games would run us until 6am and then we would roll ourselves on home. It was the go-to move. It was expected; that’s where everyone met on Friday and Saturday nights.

There were many times when being with these boys felt like a scene right out of ‘Casino’ or ‘The Godfather’. There were a lot of secrets and a lot of drugs. ‘A’ would walk out to the car to “go get something” and instead he made a few second phone call on his way out and a few minutes later a car would come pick him up for a ride around the block. It was quick and it was clean. To the average person, it was unnoticeable. Those were still the days when you didn’t notice the white powder under his nose. Before it all got messy.

It wasn’t too long ago that some of us started to realize that this couldn’t last, but all too recently we realized that it really shouldn’t. Not if we all wanted to make it out.

January 2010

We received a text late one night that ‘A’ had basically gone ballistic, broke everything in his house and hit his brother. Just a few weeks before he had been acting a little oddly, he had even shoved me to the ground… but we had gotten used to strange behavior. One never could tell if his behavior was due to drugs, alcohol or just the exorbitant and constant mix of the two, but this time he really had gone off the deep end.

He was taken to his mother and step-fathers house, not too far away, and left there by ‘C’ and ‘J’. They basically didn’t know what to do but to find his mother. What we didn’t know is that his mom did not want that responsibility and brought him back to the beach house with no keys, no wallet and no phone to call anyone with. Still in his agitated state, he tried to break into a lifeguard tower just to have somewhere to stay for the night and that is when the police picked him up.

When the police realized that he was not, in fact, under the influence of drugs or alcohol when they picked him up - he was taken to a mental hospital downtown. He stayed there for over a month until his insurance would not cover him any longer. True to form, he didn’t talk about it. We knew he was on Lithium and an anti-psychotic, but the subject was closed before he even walked out of that hospital.

Months later, one might not have ever known that ‘A’ had a breakdown. We were back to beer pong, although with less and less frequency. Reality had set in that none of us were untouchable, even under the palm trees. We couldn’t keep at the pace we had set at 17.

May 2011

This time I was there the night we realized something wasn’t right again. This time he wasn’t angry, he wasn’t throwing dishes or hitting people. He was sobbing. He wanted me to sit close to him because he could tell something was wrong with him. ‘M’ and I went over after work on Friday, like we had been doing for a few weeks in a row. At first ‘A’ seemed fine. He was making jokes and talking about golfing that week. Then we noticed his hands shaking and his shortness of breath. He didn’t want me to be too far from him  on the couch. I knew something was wrong and I knew it was worse than the last time in a different way. He told me he was afraid to be alone in his house. A few days later he would tell us that the voices in his head told him that he is God. We received a phone call that he was laying in the middle of the boulevard in the middle of the night, flapping his arms while he took his shirt off. To him, he was God because the voices told him so.

He was checked into the psych ward in county hospital the next day where he would be diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Quickly, he was released with medication and he seemed to understand that this time he could not hide from the disease or from all of us. We made it clear that we would do anything to help. Because he is the way he is, he slowly went back to drinking, smoking pot and whatever else he hides from us. Sometimes his phone is disconnected and he does not return calls.

July 2011

I finally saw him a few weeks ago. We went to find him just to make sure he knew we were still around to support him. He was manic and I think he did not know who I was. He was picking things up and putting them down. He was pouring beer on the ground at a party and wandering around quite aimlessly. He walked away from us almost like we didn’t exist.

August 2011

Months ago, a friend and I were talking about how this party life was not going to last. One day, we might look back and wonder what happened to all of the crazy people who wandered through that beach house. I never thought for a minute that it would be him.

On August 1, ‘C’ filed a police report with ‘J’ - ‘A’ went missing early last week just after ‘C’ came home. He could be anywhere aside from the hospitals and the morgue … as of right now. It honestly still feels like a movie - but everyone wants out. I just hope this realization has not come too late for any of us.